I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
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Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.