Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
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Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
This could be us but you eatin’
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.