If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
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What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine