You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
You Might Also Like
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.