Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
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Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world