You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
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If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
broke down and did it
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing