Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
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I occasionally drink every single night.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.