Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
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One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
quarantine day 3
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
I mean…but I did
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!