“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
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“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Money is the root of all wealth
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.