I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
You Might Also Like
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.