Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
You Might Also Like
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery