Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
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IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
live long and prosper!
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
🤣🤣🤣
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
X-tra spooky blend
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”