Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
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[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Mornin
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*