Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
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Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.