“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
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Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes