Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
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My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
we’re gonna need another temp
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.