Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
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I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.