the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
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FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors