Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
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Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days