[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
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“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.