[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
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I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.