3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
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Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
My wife has the worst taste in men.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.