It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
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Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I triple waxed for this?
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Oh boy, $150,000!
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside