Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
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Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
How it started: How it’s going:
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
You learn something every day
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.