Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
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“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss: