Muppet Screams
You Might Also Like
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.