“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
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General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Who needs an Air Fryer?
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”