Autocorrect is my menesis
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[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?