i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
You Might Also Like
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police