My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
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WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*