Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
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So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs: