I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
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You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Breaking news:
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.