It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
You Might Also Like
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.