I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
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Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Owl Sanctuary
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Phonetics
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.