Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
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ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.