“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
You Might Also Like
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
⛄️
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Shower sex be like: