The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
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I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Sharon, call the vet
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)