Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
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My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
The news is so predictable nowadays
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.