quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
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My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Who needs an Air Fryer?
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf