I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
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“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.