My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
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Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
#growingpains
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know