Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
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I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”