*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
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The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
🤣
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.