According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
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white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Guys, I found it.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?