Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
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Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I’m crying im so happy for them
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God