Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
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[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds