“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
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when u come home smelling like another dog
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???