yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
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*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Raisins are grape jerky.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
At least try to make it slightly believable
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?