My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
You Might Also Like
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet