I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
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If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning